Friday, November 20, 2009

River Apes

It is a peaceful day on the river…

Youth and leaders gather along the shoreline, eagerly forming groups as we prepare to embark on our aquatic adventure. It’s our ward opening social, a rafting trip down the American River. Deacons huddle up around their boats, discussing strategy for impressing the girls. Beehives nervously gather around their leaders and dads, not knowing what to expect. Everyone else is rapidly jumping off the bridge across the river, hoping to get a turn before someone “responsible” puts an end to it.

Finally the time comes to launch. The group crowds together and a young woman offers the prayer, asking for protection as we enjoy the day. (Little does she know how much protection she is actually going to need...)

After some time on the river passes and everyone is finally wet, people begin to relax. The water is smooth and the warm sun feels good on wet backs and faces. A boat full of beehives pulls in their oars and decides to let the river just carry them for a while. One beehive leans over the side and casually lets her fingers drag over the surface of the water. Suddenly she notices a sound. It is faint and coming from a distance, but it is a sound that strikes fear into the very center of her heart. She signals to her companions to keep quiet. Everyone hushes down, straining their ears to hear the noise.

Ooo! Ooo-Ahh! Ooo, Ooo, Ooo-Ahh!

“ROOOWWWWW,” Their leader screams! The girls frantically scramble to scoop up their oars and turn their raft around in the right direction. But it is too late.

Ooo! Ooo-Ahh! Ooo, Ooo, Ooo-Ahh!

The noise is getting louder, coming closer every second. Then, in a second of terror that those young girls will always remember, their doom comes into view.

Ooo! Ooo-Ahh! Ooo, Ooo, Ooo-Ahh!

The sight that meets their eyes tells them that their hopes of escape are in vain. The raft that is rapidly closing the gap between them is fully loaded with 10 of the savagest young men to ever walk the earth.

Ooo! Ooo-Ahh! Ooo, Ooo, Ooo-Ahh!

Four boys line each side of the raft, each one rowing with his might, using an oar that had been won from another raft. One sits at the back of the raft, using an oar as a rudder to steer. And one is positioned at the front of the raft, repeatedly pounding on the nose of the raft, keeping time for the rowers. Each priest has a look of hunger on their face. Their raft is moving fast enough to fly across the surface of the water, leaving wake like a ski boat.

Ooo! Ooo-Ahh! Ooo, Ooo, Ooo-Ahh!

As the raft approaches at ramming speed, girls flee to the far side of their boat, taking refuge behind two of their male leaders. Then, as the boats come within 15 feet of each other, something unexpectedly changes. All the rowers in the boy’s boat suddenly drop off the sides into the center. Two of the most fearless boys spring up from the back of the boat, sprinting along the side runners of the boat, and bouncing off of the boats nose, sending them soaring through the air like birds of prey. The flyers spread their arms as they glide toward their targets, two male leaders who have taken their place at the head of the defense. The leaders look up in horror to see two bodies flying towards their heads. They only have time to lift their arms in defense before they are struck with full force. One boy latches on to a leader, pulling him off of his feet and directly into the water. The other boy hits his target and knocks him down to the bottom of the boat, pinning him to the rubber just as soon as the boys raft closes the gap between the two boats.

The battle has begun. One boy digs in his oar hard right, bringing the broad sides of the boat together. Two boys stretch out across the divide, using their bodies as human duct tape to bind the two boats temporarily as one. Absolute pandemonium ensues. Amid screams of terror from the girls, a tidal wave of boys pours from one boat to the other. Girls are thrown left and right into the water, several of them throwing themselves in order to escape this onslaught of savageness. Two boys strain their backs to lift the last, slightly overweight, male leader into the water. The deck is clear. The boys let out a final roar of triumph.


The conquered raft is swept for supplies. Three oars, one water cannon, and a cooler full of water bottles. Leaving one oar and the cooler, the victors take their spoil and return to their raft. The conquered float in the water by the side of their boat, waiting for the chance to climb back into the safety of their raft. As the boys take up their oars to row off into the distance, one final surprise is unleashed. A mighty heave on a rope that had been stealthily slipped into place lifts the far side of their raft up into the air, as the two human duct tapes push down on their side. In a flurry of water and rubber, the victims raft is completely turtled, lying face down in the water. A boy grabs the end of the slip knot and it pulls free of the decimated craft. As they begin to row in rhythm once more, the handle of an oar is extended into the water and grasped by the first flyer who had been swimming alongside the boat. With the strength of three of his comrades behind the oar, he is lifted out of the water as if he weighed no more than a deacon. Everyone resumes their positions and scans downstream without looking back. The deed is done.

Ooo! Ooo-Ahh! Ooo, Ooo, Ooo-Ahh!

Monday, October 19, 2009


I thought it would be fun to use the blog to share some stories about growing up together. I will try to put up at least one story a week. Hope you enjoy. This first one is called Genesis........

All great adventures have a beginning. Though one might spend years preparing for a journey, the day will come when they shoulder their pack and take a step out the door. It is difficult to say when our adventure together actually began, but this story may be one of our first steps.

It was a Friday night, a sleepover at Josh’s. The Showbiz room promised us a night of freedom and we wanted to make the most of it. So of course, we began the night goofing off on the internet. Wandering into a Mormon chat room, we spent some time harassing Mollymormon86 and beehivejust4u. PJ got his hands on the keyboard and was explaining to a confused audience how he was an indentured servant from Peru. A few strikes of revelation later and llama strings were invented. A legend was born.

As the night wore on, we tired of tormenting innocent girls online, so we began to explore the room. Venturing up into the attic, we stumbled upon someone that would become a dear friend throughout the coming years. The Bear.

When the clock struck one, we felt it was safe to venture outside into the darkness of the night. With us we carried a sack of TP and the courage of men facing their first special op. We meandered down Santa Clara, thinking that we were cleverly masking our secret intentions. (Obviously a group of boys cloaked in black, carrying big sacks of who knows what, strolling down the street in the middle of the night, have nothing but pure motives). We took a right on Allegheny and bee-lined it for the bushes. The target was now in sight. Slowly we crept towards Malan’s house. A few test rolls told us that it was not safe to proceed with our plans. The road was too busy, and they had a light on. Some quick thinking by Josh promised to save the night, so we continued our journey several blocks south and made an assault raid on Keith Lancaster’s house. This also proved to be too great a risk, so we launched a hail mary of rolls over the house and down the sloping roof to the back yard. We returned to our safe house with heads hanging low. Our mission had failed.

After discussing our frustrations, it became clear that we would not allow ourselves to give up so easily. With llama strings in our pockets and our new-found friend to guide us, we once again slipped out the back door into the stillness of the night. Our new target: the Goodmans.

Scouts were sent out and the coast was clear, so we proceeded to unleash our downpour of cascading paper. We made quick work of it. Suddenly, lights flashed around the corner and we all dropped to the ground. Slipping into shadows we eyed the car, looking for lights mounted on the roof. It was clean, and soon turned the corner, disappearing as silently as it had come, like a phantom in the night. After several moments of tense breathing, we emerged and resumed our symphony in white. Without warning the phantom reappeared. With blinding lights it pinned us to our crime. Like rabbits we scattered, each man running for his life.

It is in moments like this when reason fails us. And it is precisely for that reason that I made for the safe house instead of taking cover. The phantom found its target. I ran like an enemy of the state, the car gaining ground by the second. As I strained every muscle in my body to fly like the wind, I could see the shine of the headlights slowly creeping up at my sides, almost overtaking me. In the split second before I was engulfed in light I darted to the left, cutting across the landscaping, and diving behind a bush in Josh’s front yard. Light from the car shined across the front of the house just inches above my head… and then slowly it move on. I had lost them.

I lay there in darkness for what seemed like a lifetime, not willing to risk another surprise attack. Eventually I made my way back inside the safe house. The rest of the boys trickled in over the course of the hour. With slaps on the back and full faced grins we recounted our separate tales of victory and escape. As the clock struck three, we reluctantly prepared for sleep. The memories of the night lingered as we closed our eyes, and were relived over and over again in our dreams; the first sweet taste of success.

And so it was that we took our first step out the door, on a journey that would carry us to places unimaginable.

Friday, October 16, 2009

An Unsuspected Phone Call...

Last night as I was carrying a fully-loaded dirty diaper to the trash can, I received an unsuspected phone call.

Surprise, surprise! It was Nick BR. He was in Provo and wanted to stop by for a short visit. As we talked, we realized it had been almost an entire year since we had last seen each other. What a tragedy. Incredibly though, as long as it had been, I felt just like I used to when we had seen each other every day for years and years. Some things run too deep to be weathered away by time.

I decided last night that I am going to do my best to keep this blog up. In a few short months most of us will be done with school and we will go our separate ways. I know I can't stop this from happening, nor do I want to. What I do want to do though, is to let you guys know how much your friendship means to me. I'm holding on to it.

Thanks Nick for calling this to my attention.


Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I have a new blog!!

What's up boys.  Well I saw Maf on campus a few days (or weeks?) ago, and he told me I should have a blog where I post some of my design stuff, so I decided to do it!  The site is  If you wanna go and hit it up that would be sweet.  It would be even better if you could be a follower and invite others to be followers.  But not now, cuz I haven't even posted anything.  But check it out periodically, add it to your list of blogs to watch and feel free to comment on my designs and what you like and you don't like.  Thanks boys.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Boys Meeting Resurrection!!

Well homies! It's that time again. It's been a long break since our last boys meeting and a long break since we've been paying attention to this blog. Maf and I would like to extend you all an invitation to reunite and get this brotherhood going again. We're meeting this Sunday at 7pm in my, Spen, and Dan's Apartment. Maf's birf is on Saturday (happy b-dizzy Maf) and so we're going to celebrate it boys style with meat balls and cake. Call me if you have any Q's!

See ya soooooon!!


Saturday, January 10, 2009

I'm engaged

Even though some of you just found out that I was dating someone and even though some of you still don't even know, I got engaged last night. Right now, there is no date or place set, just sometime soon after the semester ends.

Johnny B.

Thursday, January 8, 2009


I'm married! Thanks for coming to my party (if you came). Alex and I are starting a bloog, so if you'd like to keep up with us, it is If not, we understand. After all, being gay is now cool.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Hello Boys
Welcome back to school

love, your buddy Maf

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Hiking Timp

So, as a final hurrah for the summer and since my parents were out here in Utah, we decided to take on the high point of the Wasatch front. We faced extreme difficulty, with only 3 of the 7 who took on the challenge being able to finish, but the mountain was full of life, flowers and a couple of mountain goats that ran away from me.

But the views from the top were amazing and it was a beautiful day, though the views on Lavell Edwards stadium weren't the best, so I think I will pass on watching football games from there. It was a good time and I recommend it for all who want to prove themselves.

Monday, August 18, 2008

naked runs

Tonight I had a nice run. I ran from my house to The New Danville Bowl. It was dark, so I went shirtless so that my naked whiteness could reflect off the headlights of the oncoming traffic. My plan worked great and I didn't die. When I got to The New Danville Bowl I walked in with my shirtlessness and everyone stared at me. They all looked like thugs, so I just kept walking. I found my family there and my mom gave me a shirt because moms are the best at clothing their children. I watched the fam bowl a couple frames while listening to the gangsters swear at each other about being thugs. It was cool. Then we went to Yogurt Shack and I got some kona coffee mint butterfinger reeces cookiedough snickers ice cream - exactly what you need after a nice run. While we were there I saw the Stordahl's and a teenage girl fall out of her chair into the store window. It almost broke, but didn't. It was a nice night.